From the time we’re old enough to watch television and Disney movies, we see how it’s supposed to play out for us. We find our special person, fall in love, and spend the rest of our lives in blissful, romantic joy. Meanwhile, many people (and maybe you) keep wondering, “Why doesn’t anyone love me? Where is my happy ending?” If you’re tired of hearing that it happens when you least expect it, and you just have to put yourself out there, this is the article for you.
Why Do I Think I’m Unlovable?
We’ll need you to start with three deep inhales and exhales, affirming grace during this tough topic. We learn about love in infancy, as our core needs are either met or unmet. As we grow older, we build trust, love, and companionship. We can also learn distrust, manipulation, and independence. The feeling of “No one will ever love me” is rooted in your mental, psychological, and emotional past. It’s haunting you today.
We don’t think you’re worthy of love because of low-self esteem, depression, or anxiety. We have tried falling in love and have been deeply hurt, creating internal boundaries that could be rooted in your subconscious or so known the loneliness is palpable. We set unrealistic expectations of love and discard anything that doesn’t meet our imagined standards. We think we’re looking for love, but we’re really looking for validation or companionship.
Why Does Nobody Love Me? 11 Possible Reasons Love Eludes You
Before you hang up hope, let’s do some self-awareness and self-love activities to discover where you might be making missteps. All the reasons are interwoven, so you’ve got some soul-searching to do.
1. You Don’t Love Yourself
You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. Treating your true love fantasy as a missing puzzle piece means you don’t feel as whole as you are. My friend, you are beautiful, wonderful, and perfectly imperfect as you are, and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. Focus on loving yourself and accepting all your unique traits. Be “selfish” and immerse yourself in soul-feeding activities that will create confidence, boundaries, and memories.
2. You Self Sabotage
You can believe that nobody wants you and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. The basis of the book and movie “The Secret” is that we attract the energy we put out. You’ll attract that energy and outcome if you keep mentally reinforcing that nobody wants you. Piggybacking off of point #1, we can also attract great partners and then get in our way because of a lack of self-love. A great journaling moment could be for you to review all your prior relationships or dating habits and see where the common ground is.
Do you push people away? Do you secretly love the breakup/makeup cycle? Do you want to prove you are unlovable by making it so?
Explore your love fault lines and vow to do better in the future.
3. You Are Stuck in the Past
Too often, we don’t know what we had until it’s gone. If you’re ruminating about lost love and holding every new dating partner to that standard, you will end up disappointed. You must heal from heartbreak, get out of the “what could’ve been” mentality, and focus on a clean slate moving forward. If you aren’t in the right headspace, you could disappoint yourself once again and hurt another person in the process.
4. You Are Love Blind
Another self-awareness moment is to review your routine. You might notice touchstones in your daily life that could be filled with the possibility of love, but you’re too busy looking at your phone or being impatient in a coffee line to notice the world of possibilities around you. Look at how many people you’ve put in the “friend zone” and explore why they aren’t on your love list. Take moments waiting in line to talk to others around you. Every person you meet could be one step closer to “The One.”
5. You Are Scared
Getting everything you ever wanted sounds like a dream but also scary. Especially if we’ve faced betrayal or hurt from people who should’ve loved us as children, it’s hard to open up to someone. It’s easier to live in that fantasy than to actually pursue the dream. A self-love activity is to explore why you are scared. Tune into the parts of falling in love and being in love that gives you anxiety. Motivational speaker Mel Robbins offers this advice for anyone stuck in the washing machine churn of anxiety; “Interrupt negative thoughts with the concept of ‘What if it all works out?’” Practice this every time you face an anxious relationship or dating moment.
6. You Aren’t Really Trying
Dating and falling in love is hard work. It’s not just about butterflies and excitement during those first few weeks. Love means sacrifice, adapting to someone else’s needs, sharing spaces, and splitting up holiday visits. Pressure points along the way can cause us to dismiss a relationship simply because we don’t want to make an effort. You didn’t get anything you have in this life without making an effort. Why would something as important as love be any different? Unless you’re facing manipulation or abuse, let moments of doubt pass and keep forging ahead. Every romantic comedy you love has a rock-bottom sequence. If you’re chasing that dream, let fear, doubts, and insecurities happen, and learn techniques to breathe through them and allow them to pass.
7. You Have a Castle and a Moat
Even once we’ve moved past previous relationships, battle scars remain. Each person will heal in their own timeframe. Sometimes those scars heal by creating impenetrable walls. It’s true that the right person will accept you as you are, but if you’re going into the first few dates with your castle walls and alligator-filled moat ready to fight back, the person you’re dating doesn’t even know who you are. You don’t want a prospective partner to hold his ex’s grievances against you, so offer the same.
8. You’re Too Busy
This is both an excuse and a reason, depending on how you use the phrase. Building up a career that you know will mean late hours, job location transfers, and full attention is not a good time to start a relationship. Once we begin succeeding at work, it’s easy to assume we can succeed at anything. We start chasing all of our dreams. Prioritize what is truly important to you now, and it’s okay if that means being the best employee or losing 20 pounds to lower health risks. Boosting that confidence and independence will help you in the dating world.
9. You Run Out the Clock
“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” ― Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo There isn’t a person alive, single or committed, who doesn’t have a missed opportunity or two in their past. Missed connections, as they are called, are when you see something you want to go after – in this case, an attractive stranger – and you pause a bit too long. They disappear into the crowd or out the back door, and you’re left with regret. Our delay can be rooted in a lack of self-love, sabotage, or fear. It’s hard to make a bold move, but it can also be rewarding. Look at all the social media trending posts of “I saw you…” as the internet chimes in to help fix a missed connection. Make your move with no shame or regrets.
10. You Have Too Many Dealbreakers
We protect our castle, moat, and self with a list of dealbreakers. While you should never sacrifice respect, honesty, and commitment, you can lose things like “He has to be at least 6’2.” The dealbreakers can be bricks that build that castle wall, and with each failed dating attempt, we add on a few more bricks. Explore your dealbreakers and remove anything superficial. Ruling out people who snore will take a good chunk of the population out of the running, especially when you consider snoring is an aging effect. You could be snoring by the time you’re middle-aged and blissfully in love. Nobody ever fell in love based on a checklist.
11. You Have a Lot of Baggage that Needs to be Sorted
Professional therapy is widely accepted and available in this era. You can do virtual sessions from the privacy of your home and learn tools to help you open up your ability to love. People who are neurodivergent (ADD, ADHD, etc.) approach life differently. You could have a chemical imbalance that needs to be aligned to make yourself a better partner and open to possibilities. That same therapist can help you when you reach the roadblocks to love and help answer the question, “Why does nobody like me romantically?” 101 Enlightening Journal Prompts For Personal Growth And Self-Knowledge 13 Signs Revealing A Twin Flame Separation Is Almost Over 19 Sweet And Subtle Signs He is Slowly Falling For You
What Should I Do If No One Loves Me? 7 Things That Are in Your Control
Instead of focusing on “nobody wants me,” focus on what you want. Drop any victim mentality (your therapist can help with that) and start taking back control of all aspects of your life.
1. Give Yourself a Chance
It’s a cliche to say, “Put yourself out there more,” but it’s rooted in truth. Even if you don’t have many friends where you live, go to a movie alone or have dinner at the local bar to mix and mingle. Join a social group in your community and set goals for social interaction. If you create a dating profile, don’t just wait for suitors to come your way. Take control and reach out to people that interest you. Ignore any inclination that feeds negativity, such as assuming someone is too good-looking for you or too buff for your couch-potato lifestyle.
2. Give Them a Chance
Make a secret rule that you’ll go on three dates with someone before you make any decision. Barring disastrous and disrespectful dates, stop looking for the instant spark Hollywood has trained us to attain. Everyone is nervous on a first date and is prone to make missteps along the way. This three-date rule has nothing to do with intimacy. It’s about getting to know a person. You can even set goals to have a one-night date, one day date, and one double date with your bestie.
3. Give Yourself a Makeover
If you lack self-esteem due to your appearance, fix it. You don’t have to crash diet or workout like a fiend. It’s as simple as working with a local makeup artist to find flattering ways to apply makeup. You could get a personal shopper for a day to find clothing that complements your curves. Explore the hobbies you once loved that fell by the wayside while pursuing a career. This step to self-love will help suitors see your true self, which will have nothing to do with outside beauty.
4. Give Effort
Treat dating like a side hustle job. You can dedicate several hours weekly to finding love. While it’s never guaranteed your efforts will pay off, the same can be said about your job or desire to have a pet. Sitting around and waiting for Prince Charming to find you will result in disappointment, feeding your self-doubt and loneliness.
5. Give In To Personal Matchmakers
Whether it’s your crazy Aunt Connie or your blissfully married neighbor, let people make matches for you. Stop with the interrogations of potential partners and just be open to an adventure. In the worst-case scenario, you have a great story to tell on TikTok about a bad date. But, “What if it all works out?” By doing this, you’ll also create a positive energy that’s open to possibilities.
6. Give Your Past a Look
Timing is as important as anything else in relationships. We can meet people who aren’t ready for commitment and then discard them as “players” when really they just weren’t in that headspace. While you shouldn’t get trapped in the past, it’s helpful to look back at potentially better-timed opportunities than erasing the possibilities. That’s not us saying that; it’s Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck saying it.
7. Give Love
Love is not just about romance. Love is something that costs nothing and means everything. Share love with your friends, family, and strangers. Offer forgiveness to old scars, even if just for yourself. A loving person is a magnet for potential partners who are ready to explore “forever” with you.
Final Thoughts
The fact that you’re reading this article means you haven’t been told enough that you are worthy of love. Two of the top things older people say they regret are worrying too much and caring too much about what other people think. Live your life with no regrets or missed opportunities. Most of all, love yourself with an authentic fierceness that sets your soul on fire.
